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Forgive Me

Have you ever had that nagging heaviness in the pit of your stomach that you hurt someone with your words or actions? Thank you holy spirit! Forgiveness is the hardest and most humbling things in the world to do. You have to suck up your pride, pick up the pieces of a relationship, and face the one you hurt. (I will not say offended because I believe hurting someone is quite different than offending someone.) You have to admit you made a mistake! That's hard to do!

Infertility has made me more compassionate in some ways and quite hard in others. I sometimes find myself judging others whether they would make a good parent or not. And, at those most vulnerable times I question God, why them and not me? -I'm not proud of that, but let's be real. I had an encounter at the local store with one of my favorite students I had taught in 8th grade. She had merely just turned 16, and I hadn't seen her in over a year, so I ask her how school was going. She smiles and says, "oh, you don't know do you?" - My rational brain stopped and I was going into protection mode...I had a feeling what was coming. At that moment in time My husband and I were waiting for our domestic adoption. We had been passed over several times and had just recently lost another opportunity for a baby girl that I just knew we would be picked for. I had let my hopes get to high and I fell hard. At that moment I was mad, angry, and depressed to name a few.

My student told me she was taking a break from school because she had just had a baby girl. She didn't act proud or boastful, but I was going to teach her a lesson. So, I proceeded with a not so nice lecture how that supposedly happens and how she shouldn't be doing that. I was hurting. I was flawed. And, to get to the bottom of it, I was jealous of her. I was mad, not at her, but I took all my frustration at the moment out on her.

It was well over a year later that I reached out to her to apologize. It took healing myself and seeing God's plan play out in our life that I could look back and see how badly I had hurt this sweet girl. It was hard to admit and look back at how hurtful my words were. She didn't need a lecture, what was done was done, She needed forgiveness and understanding herself. I know many of you reading may have had those same thoughts or words. Maybe you acted on them, maybe they stayed just thoughts. Infertility can hurt deeply, and it is a pain only you feel. We may have week moments when we want to scream and yell so that someone might understand. That is okay in the right situation...this was not the right situation.

I am not proud of my moments of weakness, but I also know I'm not perfect. It is only by the grace of God that I can humble myself, see my flaws, and ask forgiveness not only from those I hurt but also my heavenly father. Yes, she forgave me. We talked and continue to have a special relationship because now she can see me as human. Not just a teacher that makes no mistakes, but a flawed human that needs forgiveness. Seeking forgiveness is the hardest thing in the world to do; it is also the most rewarding.

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