Broken but Healed

“He heals the wounds of the broken hearted”

Psalm 147:3

written by: Phoebe

Born and raised in small town America, population 615. I loved Jesus, and pursued Him after high school attending bible college. While following God I never dreamed I would also meet the love of my life. But, that is exactly what happened when I met Austin.

On the shores of Lake of the Ozarks we said our vows and life was falling into place. We were not planning a family right away, but if it happened we would feel blessed. Our lives were busy as youth pastors and working day jobs, but I loved it.

One day I began to feel really strange, dizzy and nauseous, while we were moving into a new home. I blew it off, realizing we hadn’t eaten all day! I sat down to eat but still didn’t feel well. The next day I still wasn’t feeling well. I don’t what made me take a pregnancy test, but I took it and those two lines were as evident as could be. Two pink lines. We were pregnant.

The weeks went by with visitors and youth group hangouts; life as usual for us until I started to cramp. It became so bad I could hardly stand and went to lay down. Being very early in the pregnancy I feared I would lose the baby. I went to the doctor for blood work, and waited for the results while my fear and pain wouldn't go away. I couldn’t get comfortable. A heating pad was my best friend and lots of water. Austin, my husband, was the best helper. He loved me, prayed for and rubbed my tummy, and wiped my tears one by one. He didn’t leave my side once. He cried with me, encouraged me, and also made me laugh in one of the hardest times of my life. One of the hardest times of our new marriage.

On Wednesday October 18 we got the news that I had in fact miscarried. It was devastating, and I didn’t understand why. It was a rough first week after; Austin couldn’t take off so I would sit at home thinking about what if. The what ifs were consuming my every thought. I knew God was good. I was just so confused, and it made me question so much. I had always wanted kids one day, but I didn’t know how much I wanted one until that moment.

Months had passed but instead of preparing to deliver our first baby, we received the coveted pink lines again. The same day I found out I was pregnant again, I lost my job. It was an emotional time of high and low. A few days passed and I started passing clots. I knew. I knew at that moment what was happening, but didn’t want to accept it.

We miscarried for the second time, and it was so much harder on my heart and mind. I wasn’t prepared for it and I hadn’t fully healed from the first one. I was ALWAYS so dizzy. I couldn’t get out of bed and darkness became my best friend. Austin was wonderful and forced me out and encouraged me to go to the doctor. I finally found a doctor that listened and helped me. I was prescribed medicine and received christian counseling. It helped so much to talk and properly heal. I was able to process those miscarries. I was broken but healed.

Six months later we were hosting Thanksgiving, but I didn’t feel well. I usually cooked all of the food and my mom just assists, but my mom ended up cooking it all. Just for kicks I had taken a test a few days before, but no, not this time. I took another test on Black Friday, nothing. I took one last test on Saturday and GUESS WHAT. I got those two pink lines! I was in shock! I told Austin when he got home from work and we were so excited! We both felt a peace from God about this pregnancy. I felt different, almost weird in a good way. Austin and I had prayed and thanked God for a healthy pregnancy before this, and we had that peace that God was in control.

We went to our doctor appointment and there was a strong little heartbeat. Praise Jesus for our little Bugga Bugga, we nicknamed her. Everything went perfectly with this pregnancy, no issues! Charlotte was expected to come august 7th, but arrived a week earlier on August 1st. She was healthy weighing in at 7.8oz and a wonderful color looking just like her daddy. How dare those kiddos bake for 9 months in their mom, but come out looking just like their dad!

Here we are 7 months later and she has brought so much HEALING to my heart. When I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression I continued the medication for the duration of my pregnancy. Once Charlotte was born I have not taken it since. She has been the healing medicine God knew my heart needed. We are treasuring every moment, every first, and are so blessed with our little Bugga Bugga!